He sings of the lugubrious songs of his dolorous life

A layer of dust collected on my keyboard.

From today onwards,
I'll be picking up the new habit of writing an online diary.
I need a channel to release myself, badly.

I'm on an addictive repeat mood of this song.

High and Dry

Two jumps in a week,
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle,
watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition;
kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror;
you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces,
you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you.
You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had,
the best thing that you've ever, ever had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had;
the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Endless

I hate my family.

My sister is a fucker, so is my mum.

And so some extent, my dad.

My mum and dad thought that providing me with materialistic stuffs, buying my favorite food, cutting down on their nags, cleaning up the food wrappers I left over intentionally, doing things for me now could make up for the lack of everything in me. As for my sister, her non-existence would have made my life so much better.

Full of fuck, full of crap.
Fuck you assholes. Go eat your shit. Motherfuckers.
You bloody fuckers just don't wanna listen to me.
Giving me fuck instead.
Here's what I wanna tell you.
It's too late.
Nothing can ever be salvaged and redeemed now.
Just go fuck yourself.











There are
so many secrets to expose,
that cannot be finished
in one breath.
There are
too many things to convey,
that result in ambiguity,
which translates into misunderstandings
and misconceptions whenever
I attempt to summarize them, whenever
people try to read into me.
There are
too many complexities involved,
too many explanations to give,
too many stories to tell,
which turn me into a mute.
There are
too many unbelievable stories that
talk about the darkest secrets of my family
and my life, which are
too dangerous for anyone to know.
There are
too many ugly people,
who care more about themselves
and will never become less.

And the list goes on...

My Book

Hi everyone.

Yang Xuan has always been telling me: "I hardly see you blog at all."
True.
Me: "Cos I don't see a need at all."
That's what I always tell him.

Is that true?

Frankly speaking,
I don't know what to write.
I don't know how to write.
I don't know how to convey my feelings.
I don't know how to express myself.
I don't know how to tell my secrets.
I don't know how to tell people my problems.
I don't know how to tell people how I feel.

But,
I know how to keep them to myself.
I've lost my touch to writing.

To quote from Gyx,
I just can't the right words to express myself. Either that, or simply because some things are just too personal to declare let alone whisper.

I was just thinking about how shock people would go if they were to listen to my past, how disgusted they would be if they were to listen to my sins. I used to rattle and whine about how unhappy I was at how things had been. I could recall revealing a few secrets on my old blog, my friend then responded that she was shocked to find out what I had been going through. I don't want to gain attention this way. I don't want to flood my blog with all the unpleasant and sad events I'm going through. Moreover, my sufferings are probably a tip of an iceberg as compared to those who are combating diseases and fighting for their lifes. Having problems doesn't entitle me to any rights to whine. Don't you think so?

May be, there are people who are willing to listen, but it's hard to find an appropriate audience who is willing to read my story, to flip the book page by page slowly and gently, and know more about me, understand me, correct me, give me encouragements, support me, appreciate me, love me.

It's just too hard.
Cos I've too many secrets
to tell, too many problems
to seek help. Simultaneously,
I don't wish to disappoint
anyone, and reveal my flaws.
I'd only feel vulnerable.
Skin-less.
May be, I just can't let go.

Tuck out your shirts

Hello,

As students mature and grow older, we are getting more and more conscious of our looks. This has resulted in students leaving theirshirts out, or appearing in sloppy attire, so that they will lookbetter or cooler. By doing this, we might affect the image of our school.

Therefore, here is a suggestion of what the school can do toensure that students would appear in proper attire: Should a studentbe caught leaving their shirts out, their conduct grades would bedropped to C. This means that the student would lose many privileges, for example, not being able to receive any awards, scholarship or goon any overseas exchange programs.

Thank you and please do not hate me for this.

LAU HAN XIN

I fully agree with you man, lau han xin. I think that you are our hero. However, I feel that there is a need to add on the list. So let us consider the following to be implemented at the same time:

1. Wearing ankle socks - 5 strokes of the cane during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
2. Leaving long hair - 10 strokes of the cane + shaving during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
3. Being rude to teachers - 10 strokes of the cane + public apology during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
4. Leaving plates and drinks behind after use - 15 strokes of the cane + public apology during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
5. Being late for school - 15 strokes of the cane during Monday flag raising + stand under scorching sun for 3 hours, repeated offence - expulsion;
6. Copying homework - 15 strokes of the cane during Monday flag raising + deduction of 10 ACE points for respective subject per piece of copied homework, repeated offence - all subjects capped at 50% (MSG capped at 6.00);
7. Using vulgarities - 15 strokes of the cane + public apology during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
8. Failing NAPFA Test - run around track for 24 hours non-stop;
9. Stealing or fighting - 1 hour of counselling, repeated offence - 2 hours of counselling;
10. Kope people food - death by electrocution, repeated offence - death by hanging if not dead by electrocution

4.5.2007

Another two days, and I'll be off to pahang.
And it's open house tomorrow.

The class has decided what it wishes to perform for class performance today.
I'm kinda glad that we have finally arrived at a consensus after speculating about what we should perform for teachers day.
Wheee!!!
We are playing "Can't take my eyes off you" by Muse and "Feng" by Jay Chou!
I'm so darn fortunate that the class has chosen that english song, it's so easy to sing!
On the other hand, "feng" is seriously hard... I'd have prefered a rock ballet like "Ai4 Cuo4" instead man.
But well, we can't really make anymore amendments, since we've already gone through a series of polls.
I appreciate D leong, Xzb and Libo's efforts a lot.
Thanks guys!

Yang Xuan and I initially wanted Starlight.
I mean, it's such a good song!
Sigh... nvm it's ok.
I'll have ample opportunity to play as a band next time.

O yeah, speaking of my band...
I think that our band has a myriad of solid talents man.
Luther excels in so many instruments: piano (diploma in sec2), jazz, guitar, trumpet, drums. Moreover he is able identify the notes by simply hearing the tune without even referring to the scores or tabs. Godlike.
Yew Wei is so talented. With his ability to play the piano (G7) and guitar, it adds on to the diversity of our band.
His awe-inspiring speed metal shredding techniques undoubtably transcends galaxies, and he is inarguably the best electric guitarist you can find in the high school section.
Wei Leong, our most recent recruit, has so much experience in music. His rich guitar music background (G8) will certainty boose our band by leaps and bounds. However, it's a pity that his role is limited to a bassist as he is such a good classical guitarist.
Darrell Leong certainty has his own taste of music. He may not be extremely musically inclined in more instrument, but his passion and will to strive for the best in music is undeniably evident. I believe that he will continue to improve and scail to greater heights at the rate he is improving.
In addition, D leong and Luther are in band, their experience will add a new dimension in our music. In terms of matching and complementing one another, I believe they are the ones who can offer the most suggestions and insights.
As for me, I'm just kinda scared that I'll screw up man.
I'm like, so noobish in this band! OMG! LOL!!!
I'm just hoping that my vocals and guitar continue to improve...
At the very least, I feel contended because I've something that not everyone has: Vocals.
But can you imagine this?
Working with so many zai people?
OMG! It's so thrilling and fun can?!!!
The band 1st started off with me, darrell, yew wei and jon soh.
But having two new recruits now has boost my confidence!
Let's jam and make good music!

This term's results are pretty good I guess.
Satisfactory.
Showed some improvements...
My msg this term is gonna fall around somewhere below 3.
I'm contended, at least.
I think this is the 1st time my msg has ever gone beyond 3 for my entire school life in HC over the past 4 years.
Haha, sounds damn bai4 lei4 right?
On the whole, my humanities have improved quite a lot, with my geography clinching b3 for the 1st time in HP programme and my history hitting an astoninishing score of 80 (for the 1st time too).
My maths have improved to 90%.
Sad to say, chem is deproved from a1 to c5.
I thought the 1st term was a good start.
I was seeking for a continuum of this streak, unfortunately there wasn't hardwork.
Chinese was a disappointment too.
I'm relying on my Literature and Physics to score.
Assuming that I get A2 for both Chinese and English, and A1 for both Physics and Lit, I think my msg will rock bottom man.
Below 2.
Crazy.
Impossible.
I'd wank in front of the whole class if I could ever accomplish such a feat this term.

Looks like I gotta work harder during the June holidays.
But before that... I just hope that I can finish my literature review.
It freaks me out larh.
Ruiyi and I talked to SLim for 4 hours on thursday, from 6pm to 10 pm.
I don't wish to tick him off man.
It is so mentally exhausive to face him.

In the meantime, I don't really know what I should do during the holidays...
Sigh, step by step, HRP!!!

Sports Day, Bad Day

I can't believe that today is probably the most disappointing day of my life this year.

I went to meet up with 4L classmates, Linky came up to me and said: "Leezy, Xian run even faster than you larh, should have let me run, could have got better results"

-

This is crucial, I need to run as fast as I can, the team needs me, I can't afford to screw up, I thought.
I tried to psyche myself up, and I ended psyching myself out instead.
Check, check, check, whoosh.
I went through the important techniques in my mind before my race, to prepare myself for it, to ensure that nothing could possible screw up.
A loud horn weaved into my ears from the amidst of a sea of white-uniformed students cheering.
Before I knew, wincoln was right in front of me.
I took off when he reached an appropriate distance from me.
This is it, I thought.
My mind went blank and blur.
It was screwed up.
I took off, sped up, took the baton and tried to accelerate as fast as I could.
But something went utterly wrong.
My body seemed to have a will of its own,
and my mind was subjugated.
And my technique went haywire.
Freaking slow.
What was I doing?
I don't know.

-

I went for the track lunch in the afternoon, but only to regret my decision.
Going out with these outstanding athletes only exacerbated my inferiority complex.
As I looked around me, I realised that almost everyone was faster than me.
I tried to divert my thoughts, moreover it was a joyous occasion for which we were treated free lunch at Seoul Gardens.
I should be feeling happy putatively.
To hell.
They were able to bask in the glory of the fruits of their labour they had riped and sowed over the past 4 years, and some 3 years, some less than that.
But what about me? I'm getting older and older... My days are numbered...
"Take it easy, Don't think too much!", to quote what most people have always told me.
Facts are facts; no matter how hard to try to sweep it under the carpet, you know that they will always be there.
Face it!
Work harder!
Don't despair!
You shouldn't give up on yourself!
I tried. I've tried.
I fell. I've fallen.
I teared. I've teared.
I wiped. I've wiped.

Shut up,
Give me a break.

-

We waited for 961 to arrive so that we could travel back to bukit timah to zham lan.
So on the journey, I listened to yew wei and lijie share their insights on some of the good music they had been indulging in, and I was amazed by the extent of their knowledge on electric guitars.
Although I have one too, I hardly touch it.
I concentrated mainly on my classical guitar under the guidance of my teacher so that I could build upon a good foundation and I know where I should aim at and achieve.
I was amazed at the extent of their knowledge on electric guitarists and some of the colossal popular instrumental bands out there which I had never heard of.
I realised that I am still far from my goal of being a good musician, a good hardcore electric guitarist.

And I got even more depressed when I got pooned at cs and dota.
I looked like a total noob, screaming and shouting at my stupidity.

-

I feel so uncontented.
What exactly is the security and happiness I want?
I don't know.
To match up to other people's standards so that I can demonstrate that I'm multi-talented?
I don't know.
To shore up my self-worth?
I don't know.
To gain acceptance?
I don't know.
But I know that I ain't doing it for myself.

As I age, defeats turn out to be increasingly harder to swallow.
Nobody likes to lose...
And I hate it.

My days are numbered, and i'm no longer as young and vibrant as before.
Plagued by all the silly injuries,
I really need to stay focus and be more mature.
To quote from Yang Xuan,

"On the window,
I see a face.
A reflection of myself.
But it is not who I am.
I never wanted to be here.
But I am."

I have to.
Because this is reality.
This is the path I chose.

我需要的平静

今天感到非常累。
好累、好累。
无比的疲惫。
好想好好的睡一觉，但众多的烦恼无法让我好好入睡。
说真的，被这些索碎的事情牵着走真的很难受，简直是生不如死。
有时想一了百了，从二十三楼跳下去，多痛快啊。

Oh! Don't worry! I won't go crazy and start defenestrating you and your belongings! I'm a kind natured human being!
I'm a total loss of words right now.
Sigh, i'm taking my lit test tomorrow, but I have not touched on it yet.
Looks like i'm doomed to fail.
Perhaps I should list down the things I need to do:
1. History Essay
2. English Comprehension
3. Geography Assignment
4. Literature Assignment

And what have I done?
Nothing! Woohoo!!! Yes! I ROCK MAN!

Yeah right, I'm in a holiday mood right now.
Haha. I can't stop looking forward to the next weekend.
I've been emo-ing today after listening to those songs over and over again.
Having been listening to english pop/rock songs for the past year, I think I can draw upon a conclusion alr!!
Chinese pop songs are far more emotional and heartbreaking as compared to english songs.
A pang of nostalgia hit me as I listened to a few touching chinese songs, namely 平常心, 我要快乐 and 接受, which were once sang by a project superstar 2 contestant, Carrie. Bittersweet memories of the past overwhelmed me with an avalanche of emotions - bitter because it's over, sweet because it happened. There’re so many memories to rifle through, so many which bring a tinge of sadness but a sweet smile to your lips, some that you can never forget...

Sigh! Stop emo-ing! I can't take it anymore! I shall look at life in a positive light and study now!
But before that, let's look at the lyrics of these songs. If there ain't any other better ways of expressing how i'm feeling right now, these lyrics will be the quintessence of my thoughts.
My feelings.
My heart.

张惠妹 - 我要快乐

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的

张惠妹 - 平常心

街道静的刺耳
夜被路灯染色
趁感伤醒来前
先上车不会不舍
承认我是弱者
不敢再对爱假设
我真的累得不想再拉扯
我寻找的平静
是我将来看电影
带着一颗平常心
不必为谁心碎闭上眼睛
我需要的平静
是敢回头看曾经
那些为爱患得患失的情景
我选择忘记
我不懂得取舍
才让心痛堆着
找得到前些年
的快乐只是偶尔
回忆是个诱饵
是来叫我回去的
要伤能愈合
我非走不可

我知道了。
我需要的就是平静。
快乐。