Sports Day, Bad Day

I can't believe that today is probably the most disappointing day of my life this year.

I went to meet up with 4L classmates, Linky came up to me and said: "Leezy, Xian run even faster than you larh, should have let me run, could have got better results"

-

This is crucial, I need to run as fast as I can, the team needs me, I can't afford to screw up, I thought.
I tried to psyche myself up, and I ended psyching myself out instead.
Check, check, check, whoosh.
I went through the important techniques in my mind before my race, to prepare myself for it, to ensure that nothing could possible screw up.
A loud horn weaved into my ears from the amidst of a sea of white-uniformed students cheering.
Before I knew, wincoln was right in front of me.
I took off when he reached an appropriate distance from me.
This is it, I thought.
My mind went blank and blur.
It was screwed up.
I took off, sped up, took the baton and tried to accelerate as fast as I could.
But something went utterly wrong.
My body seemed to have a will of its own,
and my mind was subjugated.
And my technique went haywire.
Freaking slow.
What was I doing?
I don't know.

-

I went for the track lunch in the afternoon, but only to regret my decision.
Going out with these outstanding athletes only exacerbated my inferiority complex.
As I looked around me, I realised that almost everyone was faster than me.
I tried to divert my thoughts, moreover it was a joyous occasion for which we were treated free lunch at Seoul Gardens.
I should be feeling happy putatively.
To hell.
They were able to bask in the glory of the fruits of their labour they had riped and sowed over the past 4 years, and some 3 years, some less than that.
But what about me? I'm getting older and older... My days are numbered...
"Take it easy, Don't think too much!", to quote what most people have always told me.
Facts are facts; no matter how hard to try to sweep it under the carpet, you know that they will always be there.
Face it!
Work harder!
Don't despair!
You shouldn't give up on yourself!
I tried. I've tried.
I fell. I've fallen.
I teared. I've teared.
I wiped. I've wiped.

Shut up,
Give me a break.

-

We waited for 961 to arrive so that we could travel back to bukit timah to zham lan.
So on the journey, I listened to yew wei and lijie share their insights on some of the good music they had been indulging in, and I was amazed by the extent of their knowledge on electric guitars.
Although I have one too, I hardly touch it.
I concentrated mainly on my classical guitar under the guidance of my teacher so that I could build upon a good foundation and I know where I should aim at and achieve.
I was amazed at the extent of their knowledge on electric guitarists and some of the colossal popular instrumental bands out there which I had never heard of.
I realised that I am still far from my goal of being a good musician, a good hardcore electric guitarist.

And I got even more depressed when I got pooned at cs and dota.
I looked like a total noob, screaming and shouting at my stupidity.

-

I feel so uncontented.
What exactly is the security and happiness I want?
I don't know.
To match up to other people's standards so that I can demonstrate that I'm multi-talented?
I don't know.
To shore up my self-worth?
I don't know.
To gain acceptance?
I don't know.
But I know that I ain't doing it for myself.

As I age, defeats turn out to be increasingly harder to swallow.
Nobody likes to lose...
And I hate it.

My days are numbered, and i'm no longer as young and vibrant as before.
Plagued by all the silly injuries,
I really need to stay focus and be more mature.
To quote from Yang Xuan,

"On the window,
I see a face.
A reflection of myself.
But it is not who I am.
I never wanted to be here.
But I am."

I have to.
Because this is reality.
This is the path I chose.