My planes are broken birds with pinioned wings

He sings of the lugubrious songs of his dolorous life

2008-07-20T12:14:00.000-07:00

A layer of dust collected on my keyboard.

From today onwards,
I'll be picking up the new habit of writing an online diary.
I need a channel to release myself, badly.

I'm on an addictive repeat mood of this song.

High and Dry

Two jumps in a week,
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle,
watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition;
kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror;
you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces,
you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you.
You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had,
the best thing that you've ever, ever had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had;
the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Endless

2007-08-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

I hate my family.

My sister is a fucker, so is my mum.

And so some extent, my dad.

My mum and dad thought that providing me with materialistic stuffs, buying my favorite food, cutting down on their nags, cleaning up the food wrappers I left over intentionally, doing things for me now could make up for the lack of everything in me. As for my sister, her non-existence would have made my life so much better.

Full of fuck, full of crap.
Fuck you assholes. Go eat your shit. Motherfuckers.
You bloody fuckers just don't wanna listen to me.
Giving me fuck instead.
Here's what I wanna tell you.
It's too late.
Nothing can ever be salvaged and redeemed now.
Just go fuck yourself.

There are
so many secrets to expose,
that cannot be finished
in one breath.
There are
too many things to convey,
that result in ambiguity,
which translates into misunderstandings
and misconceptions whenever
I attempt to summarize them, whenever
people try to read into me.
There are
too many complexities involved,
too many explanations to give,
too many stories to tell,
which turn me into a mute.
There are
too many unbelievable stories that
talk about the darkest secrets of my family
and my life, which are
too dangerous for anyone to know.
There are
too many ugly people,
who care more about themselves
and will never become less.

And the list goes on...

My Book

2007-07-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone.

Yang Xuan has always been telling me: "I hardly see you blog at all."
True.
Me: "Cos I don't see a need at all."
That's what I always tell him.

Is that true?

Frankly speaking,
I don't know what to write.
I don't know how to write.
I don't know how to convey my feelings.
I don't know how to express myself.
I don't know how to tell my secrets.
I don't know how to tell people my problems.
I don't know how to tell people how I feel.

But,
I know how to keep them to myself.
I've lost my touch to writing.

To quote from Gyx,
I just can't the right words to express myself. Either that, or simply because some things are just too personal to declare let alone whisper.

I was just thinking about how shock people would go if they were to listen to my past, how disgusted they would be if they were to listen to my sins. I used to rattle and whine about how unhappy I was at how things had been. I could recall revealing a few secrets on my old blog, my friend then responded that she was shocked to find out what I had been going through. I don't want to gain attention this way. I don't want to flood my blog with all the unpleasant and sad events I'm going through. Moreover, my sufferings are probably a tip of an iceberg as compared to those who are combating diseases and fighting for their lifes. Having problems doesn't entitle me to any rights to whine. Don't you think so?

May be, there are people who are willing to listen, but it's hard to find an appropriate audience who is willing to read my story, to flip the book page by page slowly and gently, and know more about me, understand me, correct me, give me encouragements, support me, appreciate me, love me.

It's just too hard.
Cos I've too many secrets
to tell, too many problems
to seek help. Simultaneously,
I don't wish to disappoint
anyone, and reveal my flaws.
I'd only feel vulnerable.
Skin-less.
May be, I just can't let go.

Tuck out your shirts

2007-07-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hello,

As students mature and grow older, we are getting more and more conscious of our looks. This has resulted in students leaving theirshirts out, or appearing in sloppy attire, so that they will lookbetter or cooler. By doing this, we might affect the image of our school.

Therefore, here is a suggestion of what the school can do toensure that students would appear in proper attire: Should a studentbe caught leaving their shirts out, their conduct grades would bedropped to C. This means that the student would lose many privileges, for example, not being able to receive any awards, scholarship or goon any overseas exchange programs.

Thank you and please do not hate me for this.

LAU HAN XIN

I fully agree with you man, lau han xin. I think that you are our hero. However, I feel that there is a need to add on the list. So let us consider the following to be implemented at the same time:

1. Wearing ankle socks - 5 strokes of the cane during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
2. Leaving long hair - 10 strokes of the cane + shaving during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
3. Being rude to teachers - 10 strokes of the cane + public apology during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
4. Leaving plates and drinks behind after use - 15 strokes of the cane + public apology during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
5. Being late for school - 15 strokes of the cane during Monday flag raising + stand under scorching sun for 3 hours, repeated offence - expulsion;
6. Copying homework - 15 strokes of the cane during Monday flag raising + deduction of 10 ACE points for respective subject per piece of copied homework, repeated offence - all subjects capped at 50% (MSG capped at 6.00);
7. Using vulgarities - 15 strokes of the cane + public apology during Monday flag raising, repeated offence - expulsion;
8. Failing NAPFA Test - run around track for 24 hours non-stop;
9. Stealing or fighting - 1 hour of counselling, repeated offence - 2 hours of counselling;
10. Kope people food - death by electrocution, repeated offence - death by hanging if not dead by electrocution

4.5.2007

2007-05-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

Another two days, and I'll be off to pahang.
And it's open house tomorrow.

The class has decided what it wishes to perform for class performance today.
I'm kinda glad that we have finally arrived at a consensus after speculating about what we should perform for teachers day.
Wheee!!!
We are playing "Can't take my eyes off you" by Muse and "Feng" by Jay Chou!
I'm so darn fortunate that the class has chosen that english song, it's so easy to sing!
On the other hand, "feng" is seriously hard... I'd have prefered a rock ballet like "Ai4 Cuo4" instead man.
But well, we can't really make anymore amendments, since we've already gone through a series of polls.
I appreciate D leong, Xzb and Libo's efforts a lot.
Thanks guys!

Yang Xuan and I initially wanted Starlight.
I mean, it's such a good song!
Sigh... nvm it's ok.
I'll have ample opportunity to play as a band next time.

O yeah, speaking of my band...
I think that our band has a myriad of solid talents man.
Luther excels in so many instruments: piano (diploma in sec2), jazz, guitar, trumpet, drums. Moreover he is able identify the notes by simply hearing the tune without even referring to the scores or tabs. Godlike.
Yew Wei is so talented. With his ability to play the piano (G7) and guitar, it adds on to the diversity of our band.
His awe-inspiring speed metal shredding techniques undoubtably transcends galaxies, and he is inarguably the best electric guitarist you can find in the high school section.
Wei Leong, our most recent recruit, has so much experience in music. His rich guitar music background (G8) will certainty boose our band by leaps and bounds. However, it's a pity that his role is limited to a bassist as he is such a good classical guitarist.
Darrell Leong certainty has his own taste of music. He may not be extremely musically inclined in more instrument, but his passion and will to strive for the best in music is undeniably evident. I believe that he will continue to improve and scail to greater heights at the rate he is improving.
In addition, D leong and Luther are in band, their experience will add a new dimension in our music. In terms of matching and complementing one another, I believe they are the ones who can offer the most suggestions and insights.
As for me, I'm just kinda scared that I'll screw up man.
I'm like, so noobish in this band! OMG! LOL!!!
I'm just hoping that my vocals and guitar continue to improve...
At the very least, I feel contended because I've something that not everyone has: Vocals.
But can you imagine this?
Working with so many zai people?
OMG! It's so thrilling and fun can?!!!
The band 1st started off with me, darrell, yew wei and jon soh.
But having two new recruits now has boost my confidence!
Let's jam and make good music!

This term's results are pretty good I guess.
Satisfactory.
Showed some improvements...
My msg this term is gonna fall around somewhere below 3.
I'm contended, at least.
I think this is the 1st time my msg has ever gone beyond 3 for my entire school life in HC over the past 4 years.
Haha, sounds damn bai4 lei4 right?
On the whole, my humanities have improved quite a lot, with my geography clinching b3 for the 1st time in HP programme and my history hitting an astoninishing score of 80 (for the 1st time too).
My maths have improved to 90%.
Sad to say, chem is deproved from a1 to c5.
I thought the 1st term was a good start.
I was seeking for a continuum of this streak, unfortunately there wasn't hardwork.
Chinese was a disappointment too.
I'm relying on my Literature and Physics to score.
Assuming that I get A2 for both Chinese and English, and A1 for both Physics and Lit, I think my msg will rock bottom man.
Below 2.
Crazy.
Impossible.
I'd wank in front of the whole class if I could ever accomplish such a feat this term.

Looks like I gotta work harder during the June holidays.
But before that... I just hope that I can finish my literature review.
It freaks me out larh.
Ruiyi and I talked to SLim for 4 hours on thursday, from 6pm to 10 pm.
I don't wish to tick him off man.
It is so mentally exhausive to face him.

In the meantime, I don't really know what I should do during the holidays...
Sigh, step by step, HRP!!!

Sports Day, Bad Day

2007-04-30T05:34:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that today is probably the most disappointing day of my life this year.

I went to meet up with 4L classmates, Linky came up to me and said: "Leezy, Xian run even faster than you larh, should have let me run, could have got better results"

-

This is crucial, I need to run as fast as I can, the team needs me, I can't afford to screw up, I thought.
I tried to psyche myself up, and I ended psyching myself out instead.
Check, check, check, whoosh.
I went through the important techniques in my mind before my race, to prepare myself for it, to ensure that nothing could possible screw up.
A loud horn weaved into my ears from the amidst of a sea of white-uniformed students cheering.
Before I knew, wincoln was right in front of me.
I took off when he reached an appropriate distance from me.
This is it, I thought.
My mind went blank and blur.
It was screwed up.
I took off, sped up, took the baton and tried to accelerate as fast as I could.
But something went utterly wrong.
My body seemed to have a will of its own,
and my mind was subjugated.
And my technique went haywire.
Freaking slow.
What was I doing?
I don't know.

-

I went for the track lunch in the afternoon, but only to regret my decision.
Going out with these outstanding athletes only exacerbated my inferiority complex.
As I looked around me, I realised that almost everyone was faster than me.
I tried to divert my thoughts, moreover it was a joyous occasion for which we were treated free lunch at Seoul Gardens.
I should be feeling happy putatively.
To hell.
They were able to bask in the glory of the fruits of their labour they had riped and sowed over the past 4 years, and some 3 years, some less than that.
But what about me? I'm getting older and older... My days are numbered...
"Take it easy, Don't think too much!", to quote what most people have always told me.
Facts are facts; no matter how hard to try to sweep it under the carpet, you know that they will always be there.
Face it!
Work harder!
Don't despair!
You shouldn't give up on yourself!
I tried. I've tried.
I fell. I've fallen.
I teared. I've teared.
I wiped. I've wiped.

Shut up,
Give me a break.

-

We waited for 961 to arrive so that we could travel back to bukit timah to zham lan.
So on the journey, I listened to yew wei and lijie share their insights on some of the good music they had been indulging in, and I was amazed by the extent of their knowledge on electric guitars.
Although I have one too, I hardly touch it.
I concentrated mainly on my classical guitar under the guidance of my teacher so that I could build upon a good foundation and I know where I should aim at and achieve.
I was amazed at the extent of their knowledge on electric guitarists and some of the colossal popular instrumental bands out there which I had never heard of.
I realised that I am still far from my goal of being a good musician, a good hardcore electric guitarist.

And I got even more depressed when I got pooned at cs and dota.
I looked like a total noob, screaming and shouting at my stupidity.

-

I feel so uncontented.
What exactly is the security and happiness I want?
I don't know.
To match up to other people's standards so that I can demonstrate that I'm multi-talented?
I don't know.
To shore up my self-worth?
I don't know.
To gain acceptance?
I don't know.
But I know that I ain't doing it for myself.

As I age, defeats turn out to be increasingly harder to swallow.
Nobody likes to lose...
And I hate it.

My days are numbered, and i'm no longer as young and vibrant as before.
Plagued by all the silly injuries,
I really need to stay focus and be more mature.
To quote from Yang Xuan,

"On the window,
I see a face.
A reflection of myself.
But it is not who I am.
I never wanted to be here.
But I am."

I have to.
Because this is reality.
This is the path I chose.

我需要的平静

2007-02-20T01:51:00.000-08:00

今天感到非常累。
好累、好累。
无比的疲惫。
好想好好的睡一觉，但众多的烦恼无法让我好好入睡。
说真的，被这些索碎的事情牵着走真的很难受，简直是生不如死。
有时想一了百了，从二十三楼跳下去，多痛快啊。

Oh! Don't worry! I won't go crazy and start defenestrating you and your belongings! I'm a kind natured human being!
I'm a total loss of words right now.
Sigh, i'm taking my lit test tomorrow, but I have not touched on it yet.
Looks like i'm doomed to fail.
Perhaps I should list down the things I need to do:
1. History Essay
2. English Comprehension
3. Geography Assignment
4. Literature Assignment

And what have I done?
Nothing! Woohoo!!! Yes! I ROCK MAN!

Yeah right, I'm in a holiday mood right now.
Haha. I can't stop looking forward to the next weekend.
I've been emo-ing today after listening to those songs over and over again.
Having been listening to english pop/rock songs for the past year, I think I can draw upon a conclusion alr!!
Chinese pop songs are far more emotional and heartbreaking as compared to english songs.
A pang of nostalgia hit me as I listened to a few touching chinese songs, namely 平常心, 我要快乐 and 接受, which were once sang by a project superstar 2 contestant, Carrie. Bittersweet memories of the past overwhelmed me with an avalanche of emotions - bitter because it's over, sweet because it happened. There’re so many memories to rifle through, so many which bring a tinge of sadness but a sweet smile to your lips, some that you can never forget...

Sigh! Stop emo-ing! I can't take it anymore! I shall look at life in a positive light and study now!
But before that, let's look at the lyrics of these songs. If there ain't any other better ways of expressing how i'm feeling right now, these lyrics will be the quintessence of my thoughts.
My feelings.
My heart.

张惠妹 - 我要快乐

又被爱伤了一遍
无所谓当作成长
刚刚走开的人
烟还点着味道却淡了
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
只有眼泪是真的
把从前想了一遍
谢谢了伤我的人
想做乐观的人
每种雨声听了都不冷
我并不是天生爱寂寞
却比任何人都多
就算把世界给我
我还是一无所有
我要快乐我要能睡的安稳
有些人不抱了才温暖
离开了才不恨我早应该割舍
我要快乐哪怕笑的再大声
心不是热的全都是假的
我的决定是对的

张惠妹 - 平常心

街道静的刺耳
夜被路灯染色
趁感伤醒来前
先上车不会不舍
承认我是弱者
不敢再对爱假设
我真的累得不想再拉扯
我寻找的平静
是我将来看电影
带着一颗平常心
不必为谁心碎闭上眼睛
我需要的平静
是敢回头看曾经
那些为爱患得患失的情景
我选择忘记
我不懂得取舍
才让心痛堆着
找得到前些年
的快乐只是偶尔
回忆是个诱饵
是来叫我回去的
要伤能愈合
我非走不可

我知道了。
我需要的就是平静。
快乐。

More about me

2006-11-22T10:46:00.000-08:00

i've been on a quiz spree! and this is what i found about myself. check it out!

You Are Emerald Green

Deep and mysterious, it often seems like no one truly gets you.

Inside, you are very emotional and moody - though you don't let it show.

People usually have a strong reaction to you... profound love or deep hate.

But you can even get those who hate you to come around. There's something naturally harmonious about you.

What Color Green Are You?

Your Inner Blood Type is Type B

You follow your own rules in life, even if you change the rules every day.

Sure, you tend to be off the wall and unpredictable, but that's what makes you lovable.

And even though you're a wild child, you have the tools to be a great success.

You are able to concentrate intently - and make the impossible possible.

You are most compatible with: B and AB

Famous Type B's: Leonardo Di Caprio and

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

Your Power Level is: 75%

You Are 42% Impulsive

You're quite impulsive, but you never are reckless.

You qualify as a very spontaneous person, but you still know how to honor your commitments.

And while responsibility doesn't come easy to you, having fun does!

Are You Impulsive?

Your Seduction Style: Ideal Lover

You seduce people by tapping into their dreams and desires.

And because of this sensitivity, you can be the ideal lover for anyone you seek.

You are a shapeshifter - bringing romance, adventure, spirituality to relationships.

It all depends on who your with, and what their vision of a perfect relationship is.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Dark Purple

To others, you seem a bit dark, mysterious, and moody.

In truth, you are just a very unique person who doesn't care what others think.

And you really enjoy your offbeat interests and friends.

You've decided that life is about living for yourself - simple as that.

What Color Purple Are You?

You Are a Mermaid

You are a total daydreamer, and people tend to think you're flakier than you actually are.

While your head is often in the clouds, you'll always come back to earth to help someone in need.

Beyond being a caring person, you are also very intelligent and rational.

You understand the connections of the universe better than almost anyone else.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Your Passion is Yellow

You're a total sexual shape shifter.

You possess a complex sex drive and are very adaptable.

Of all the colors, you are the most likely to be bisexual.

While you the most passionate, you are very open minded.

What Color Is Your Passion?

You Should Rule Saturn

Saturn is a mysterious planet that can rarely be seen with the naked eye.

You are perfect to rule Saturn because like its rings, you don't always follow the rules of nature.

And like Saturn, to really be able to understand you, someone delve beyond your appearance.

You are not an easy person to befriend. However, once you enter a friendship, you'll be a friend for life.

You think slowly but deeply. You only gain great understanding after a situation has past.

What Planet Should You Rule?

You Play it Cool

You're not in your face, smokin' hot... and it's all by design

You have a carefully crafted cool persona, leaving everyone wanting to know just a little more.

Are You Hot?

What's more? I took a personality test on www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/ and it speaks volume about my personality and what i'm going through right now. super accurate.

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.

You are frustrated and stressed. You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you. You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times. You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

12th SLC

2006-06-04T11:47:00.000-07:00

Dear organising team and fellow facilitators,

Hey hello :) jingbo, I love your post!

7 months ago, I remembered the organising team approach and ask me join their organisation, but i sincerely declined the offer due to other cca commitments. jingbo! you made me so jealous can! Nah, I'm glad to know that you're happy! wow.. i didn't realise that i could make someone so happy. but I don't feel sad. not at all. In fact, I'm happy that i could get to know some of the ot members (though not very close =p), the facilitators (some not very close too =p) and so many participants ( not close too). I've a strong belief that this event is going to change my life and it has alr begun since the first day i went for the last fac briefing!

last last saturday saw the official declaration of my existence in the fac team. aye, quite late uh? but nvr too late to get to know you guys man. I could still recall that i wasn't fixed to any grp on the first permanently due to some erhem erhem that i refuse to comment. not exactly happy to know tt my name ain't on the facs t shirt. btw i think it's 57/58/59 facs. I even spent some time reading newspaper in the library on the first day in the morning cos I couldn't find anything to do! hahaha! shhhhh! i guess most of us had a lot of fun during the water bomb session. but most of the pathetic people, including the facs and ot, faced the problem of having too little water for their plastic bags. brilliant me =) i brought jingyi and joelynn to the concourse to fill water into those pails. SHHHHHHHH!

There are some people whom I wanna thank and apologize.

Alexander Chan:
Alex, I must say, without your help throughout the whole slc, our corporation and conglomerate wouldnt't have been a success. You're such an easy going person who is so nice to work with! I can't expect more from you man. Who can tahan such a demanding, egoistic and dominating person like me other than alex?! Thanks for understanding me and giving me a helping hand in times of adversity man. I feel so guilty that I was the one who wants myself to be heard without considering how you feel. Do you remember that afternoon when we went to other to liase with other corporations? haha, we left our classroom for other corporations illegally b4 hand so that we could have the upper hand! that was another brilliant move by me! so much fun! it was the best when we had to talk about the "underwater" infrastructure, which was entirely misunderstood by me! (those from con 6 will know what I'm saying) thx for chairing the discussion for the 2nd day in the morning man, I knew nuts about the entire procedure so i had to depend on you man. so sorry that i was such a pain in the ass. an unforgetable person who has forged a huge bond with me for the 4 days. *alex is an easy going person who is a great listener. he was the only one who could understand what I'm implying. love you so much!

joanne chan:
joanne! my cabinet minister! when i hear her name, my heart will melt. not becos I like her, but becos I feel that I've owed her too much. it has been such a hard time on you! tsk tsk tsk... i think she'll regret working with me cos I was so irritating and demanding. I've been dying to say sorry to you since the 3rd day of slc. According to our dearest qihan, I heard from him that you weren't very pleased with me cos I was such a pain in the ass. so sorry joanne! I wanna apologize a few million times, but i know it won't be enough for me to cleanse away what has been done. I believe it was an ordeal working with me, tahan-ing this mad man for 4 days. I could recall the times when I interrupted your session during the formal conglomerate meetings. when i look into the slc handbook, i realised that i've broke so many conglomerate meeting rules. 1. Talking among ourselves 2. questioning your decision 3. not observing decorum 4. Interrupting you at times to make myself be heard 5. Challenging your authority 6. not controling my temper. I'm so sorry that you've to put up with my childish behaviour time and again so that you could continue with the discussion. If it were to be qihan, I think the overcome would be horrendous! once again, so sorry! so sorry for being such a selfish freak! *joanne is a withdrawn but very special person who doesn't like to be in the limelight, often avoiding people and talking abt her own personal things in the process of developing a self-protective mechanism. it's a pity to see her being less sociable sometimes.

Chuan Yi + Wen Si + Janus low + Yi Shuen:
hey yoyoyo. man. nice pals man. these guys are seriously damn nice to talk to though they look rather dao. mm.... i had a fun time with janus man. duno why, i see him i wanna laugh. it just reminded me of all the jokes and laughter we had man. can't forget the times when we were gossiping at the back of the conglomerate meeting with wen si and yi shuen together man. poor chuan yi, this guy gotta type continuously during all the meetings and pay attention to what everyone is saying for so many hours. good job man!

Jie yang + lian seng:
These two guys are people who went crazy and hyper-high at grand finale man. they accompanied a few other participants and went on stage to claim credit! Unfortunately, jieyang had food poisoning on the 2nd day and thats how i took his place man. he missed so much fun! I've gotta thank you for giving me a chance to join your grp anw =)

F&B Sector
heyhey, hi guys! this is a grp tt has so many dynamic characters arnd me. sorry for being so passive during the item discussions! gotta thank weiling and her friend for teaching us the dance steps man! i forget her name again! love the dance sessions, freaking funny.

6 months of planning that happened just like a dream in 4 days. I just don't feel very sad abt the end of slc. Probably becos I joined the facs team just a week ago? Or probably because i had weiqi nationals the day after the last day of slc? I feel that the end of slc marks the beginning of a new journey we all have to carry on. ha, i think i'm simply lying to myself. I miss slc so much that i screwed up my weiqi nationals so badly. i just couldn't focus on the first day... and today too. the fatique that accumulated for so many days... the emptiness that weaken my concentration, mentality and thoughts. couldn't summon all my strength out of me to continue this battle; hence, i lost. just feeling so bleak and empty.

i'm in the same situation as jingbo. we gotta work hard for track nationals. and i believe most of us has to return to work, for nationals and etc after this short "holidays". loads of revision and work i've gotta catch up. loads of trng for my 2nd nationals of the year. loads of strength i need to carry on this tumultous battle. we can't afford to stop here, we've gotta recharge and move it on. I'm getting tired. it's 3 am. training tomor.

To top it all, I'd like to thank everyone, the ot, the facs, the participants who made 12slc a big success and I want everyone to know that you guys have changed my life. Thank you so much for being there for me. May our friendship last, and may the memories of this once in a life time experience stay with us all, till the end of our times."The sky is not going to fall, the earth is not going to crumble. But for me, life is never going to be the same again." (Zhang Jing Bo, 2006)

Best of luck =)

thx for reading my crap =) sry for all the grammatical errors and singlish. really tired!

Love,
Zhen Yang

shore up self-worth

2006-05-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

How much does it take for others to accept you?

Does it matter if you are unaccepted?

All it takes, is to shore up your self-worth in the face of people who look down on you. It does not matter if I'm unaccepted, neither do I have to try so hard for people to accept me. Perhaps one day, they will understand and see me in a positive light. And perhaps, they will regret it.

It's alright if it takes up to centuries for you to reflect on what you have done. I want you to suffer from the guilt, in return of the pain you have inflicted upon me for your selfishness. I want you to realise what you've done. I want my pain be made known to you. I want you to know how much I hate and love you. I want you to remember that day; I want these unhappy memories to devastate you just like how much you've devastated me. I want you to feel my pain, how debilitating it is, like how paracites sap you dry.

I'm not good at words. Let slience do the talk.

I believe that time will come for everyone to realise what they've done in the past. I'd love to see you in pain. The hurt. The pain. The sorrow. The tears. The isolation. I love it.

What have I done wrong? Why do I have to go through much pain? Why?

Time may heal all wounds, but scars can for a lifetime. We all carry the baggage of our past with us into the present and future.

New blog

2006-03-27T06:34:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time ever since I've last penned down my thoughts on friendster's blog. After days of consideration, I've decided to shift my blog to this remote, desolated area, where nobody is gonna read into my deep thoughts. I want isolation. Yes, I'm sorry I love solitude. I just can't help having some privacy for myself.

I feel the urge to release the maelstrom of emotions deep within me by detaching myself from reality. I've tried in pains to put up a facade to deceive everyone around me - that I'm strong. Is it wise show the multifarious and variegated masks you have? Or should you be true to everyone and yourself?

It is an inconceivable fact that "masks" have played an imperative role in my life; to be popular, to be a clown or joker who can't stop making a fool of himself, laughing at a high-pitched tone randomly during lessons to attract attention, and even resorted to derogatory remarks to defame people sometimes. Yes, I may have created laughter and joy, but this isn't me. Not at all. I'm merely a soul-less puppet looking for someone to impart life into me.

Once in a while, I wonder, who am I?